A Little Debbie Goes A Long Way, Part III

A LITTLE DEBBIE GOES A LONG WAY PART III: IN 3D!!

Swiss Cake Rolls

My love affair with the Swiss Cake Roll has been hot and cold through the years. They’ve been in my house throughout the ages. Sometimes I ate them, sometimes I didn’t. SCR were a big reason I rebelled and boycotted any crème cake products during my younger years. I just got sick of it, it was way too sugary and sweet for me, which is weird because that’s what most kids love. But not me. Nope! I was thinking about eating healthy even back then. So instead of Swiss Cake Rolls, I settled on cookies, candy, and ice cream. But now, while I don’t think they’re the best Debbie has to offer, I can certainly enjoy them and eat’em just like the rest of ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />America does. Just don’t put mine in the refrigerator, please.

Strawberry Shortcake Rolls

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I’m sorry, I just can’t eat these. I don’t know, the cake and strawberry jelly part sounds good, but the crème and frosting at the bottom ruin it for me, which is weird, because I love those raspberry fingers/Zingers (raspberry, yellow cake, and crème). It’s a lighter offering than the Swiss Cake Rolls, and the way overboard Double Chocolate Rolls, but it’s just not my scene, man.

Double Chocolate Rolls

As previously stated, chocolate on chocolate snack cakes must stop! Sometimes I have a hard enough time bringing myself to eat a Swiss Cake Roll thanks to the copious amount of crème filling. But they wanna put chocolate cake with chocolate crème PLUS chocolate syrup? To quote the late, great Owen Hart, “Enough is enough and it’s time for a change !!”

Banana Twins

The name either sounds like a bad 80s pop group or a gay porno movie. YOU BE THE JUDGE. The Banana Twins have fallen into the crème trap. Way too much crème for my taste buds, and when you add the fact that the banana “flavored” cake is really crumbly– just like Britney and a hair salon, Kobe and Shaq, Ben Stiller & movies, and matches & gasoline–it’s a bad combination.

Devil Cremes

Eyuck. Granted, the chocolate “sponge cake” here is amazing, but it’s like eating a crème-filled sandwich. I realize with places like Hostess and Little Debbie that it’s all about the crème, and I agree that is helps make the total package, but should it be the star of the show? I think not.

Fudge Rounds

FUDGE ROUNDS!! NUMMY NUMMY NUMMY !! I used to be a fudge round freak when I was just a little boy. It’s one of the few times when chocolate/chocolate/chocolate prevails to make a winning combination. Of course, these were on the boycott list too in my crusade against crème-based products. I have since welcomed them back aboard, but even to this day, I think they put a tad too much crème in there, but the chocolate cookies are delicious.

PB&J Oatmeal Pies

I think I had these once, and they were really gross. They taste about as well as you can expect an airtight sealed oatmeal cookie with peanut butter and grape jelly smothered in between to taste. Which is to say, not much at all.

Oatmeal Creme Pies

Now I don’t know what came first: the chicken or the egg, me or my fiancée, or Oatmeal Cream Pies or the rest of the Little Debbie’s products, but I do know this… I was raised on Americana, good old fashioned values, and Oatmeal Crème Pies. This to me is what Little Debbie is all about. It’s my earliest memory of eating their snack cakes and they seem to have been around forever. Seeing and eating these things brings back the memories of my great grandmother’s house where she always kept a box of these for us in her pantry that was usually very cool so I remember eating those Oatmeal Crème Pies at a lower than room temperature. Again, the crème is heavy on these, but I occasionally have one for nostalgia’s sake.

Raisin Creme Pies

DEE-SGUSTING. I can’t believe people eat these things. They’re right up there with the PB&J Oatmeal Pies. I’m not a big fan of the raisin, and it just looks wrong to see a bright yellow circular object with raisins on top. Obviously, Little Debbie is trying to catch lightning in a bottle after the runaway train success of their Oatmeal Crème Pies, but you can’t improve upon perfection. Anything else would be uncivilized.

Star Crunch

Star Crunches complete the Snack Cake Trinity from my childhood. Alongside Oatmeal Crème Pies and Fudge Rounds, Star Crunches were always being eaten (by me) at my house. They are the Godfathers of Little Debbie snacks, in my eyes. I haven’t had one of these in a few years, and I’ve somewhat grown out of them, but they’re okay. I love’em back then though. They’re pretty good when they’re cold.

Fig Bars

Little Debbie isn’t inventing the wheel here. Look, I love Team Debbie, but there’s a reason why Nabisco’s Fig Newtons are the top selling fig cookies of all time. Skeet Ulrich and Johnny Depp, The Sentry and Superman, ‘Road House 2: Last Call’ and ‘Road House’, Little Debbie Fig Bars and Nabisco Fig Newtons. Some things just can’t measure up. The cookie part is a little bit too crumbly for me and there’s too much fig in the fig… nougat? Yes, I know it’s a weird complaint to have when you’re eating a fig cookie.

Pound Cakes

I’ve pounded down some pound cake in my day and this one takes the cake! <=) Truthfully, when I think of “real” cake, I think of Duncan Hines or Pillsbury mixes where you just throw the ingredients into it and put it in the oven. I don’t think of Little Debbie when it comes to “real” cake, because Little Debs more or less just has a good manufactured cake substance going on. But oh, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart, these are delicious! I’d say it’s even right up there with real pound cake.

Fudge Brownies

Mmm, mmm, mmm! Who can resist a Little Debbie Fudge Brownie? Not I, sir, not I. These would also rank up there with my all-favorite all-time Little Debbies. I could’ve sworn they used to make these without the nuts, but I guess that’s what those abominations, those freakishly colorful Cosmic Brownies are for. I do remember picking the nuts off as a kid if I was handed one of these nutty brownies. Hey, at least they aren’t baked *inside* the brownie. These days, I just eat the whole thing. The more nuts I can fit in my mouth the better. Don’t make jokes.

Cosmic Brownies

Wrong. Just plain wrong. Cosmic Brownies? Do these brownies have super powers? Do they have reality altering powers (well, some brownies do)? I’m sorry, I’m love a dash of color and pizzazz as much as the next guy, but these colored chocolate chips just don’t cut it for me. And it’s a shame because the brownies themselves are delicious. I could throw in a few gay jokes about these brownies as well, but I’ll refrain.