Novelty Action Figures!

I’m sorry.

I have failed all of you random and not-so-loyal readers this month. I mean, it’s November 13th (FRIDAY the 13th!) and all I have to show for the month so far is three lousy posts. Chalk it up to Halloween Scream burnout, not feeling well and having my parents in town this past week. Well, enough with the excuse and let’s get down to business.

Just a few days ago, I made another pilgrimage to Frankenmuth, Michigan, with BRONNER’S CHRISTmas WONDERLAND being the main reason for the journey. Along the way, we walked the quaint Bavarian shops that line Frankenmuth and for the first time ever, we wondered into the gift shops of the Bavarian Inn.

Obviously not taken during November.

There was the usual assortment of odd and entertaining knick knacks: wine samples, extremely tacky clothes only a grandmother could love, old timey candy, pastries, creepy girl dolls, witty Jesus shirts that play off famous brand names…

Most interesting of all was a rather expansive collection of Accoutrements’ novelty action figures. They are hilariously cheap and totally random. You can move most figures’ arms at the shoulder and elbow joints, but the legs are stationary.

I get Blackbeard having his own figure. In fact, in the hands of Mattel, Hasbro or Marvel Toys that could make for a pretty cool line of figures, but “Seth Godin, Marketing Guru”? Who is this guy? I swear I didn’t even notice the male nurse figure or I would have gotten a picture of that as well.

Ah, Mr. Van Gogh. I’m so glad he was equpped with two interchangeable heads — one pre-op, one post-op!

What would Freud have to say about this?

I saved the best for last, from the greatest story ever told… here is the author — Charles Dickens! Okay, okay! It’s JESUS. Notice the light shining upon this figure from the Heavens above (AKA – the digital camera). If only they had the Battle Jesus with Stealth Armor & Laser Axe variant, then I would have bought it!

It should be noted that the Bavarian Inn wasn’t the only shop in Frankenmuth with these figures. The Frankenmuth museum had Freud, Da Vinci and Einstein figures (opting not to be so crass as to carry Casanova or Crazy Cat Lady).

Sink your teeth into Shark Attack!

For every Monopoly, there’s a Shark Attack — a board game that is just too goofy, childish and ultimately pointless to last more than a few years. The commercial is from 1991 and it is the only Shark Attack commercial I remember but after doing a bit a research, I found out the game was released in 1988.

Don’t get me wrong, this commercial made the game look GREAT. So great that I actually had this down on a list of what I wanted for my birthday/Christmas. A giant motorized shark? Count me in! I remember getting this game as a gift from my parents, I believe it was for a birthday, so the commercial is a more exciting representation of the concept than the game itself is. So kudos to the marketing department on that one. You deceived a child, congratulations.

After quickly realizing the game was a total waste of time, I made better use of the motorized shark against my G.I. Joes and X-Men.

Super Naturals

What a perfect month to discuss the Super Naturals!

I never owned any of the Super Naturals, but I remember this commercial like it was yesterday. I at least was lucky enough to play with a few of the figures that my friends down the street owned (they seemed to own every toy I wished I did).

Tonka produced the line and it debuted in 1987, but apparently never really caught on because there was no 1988 series. The main figures are pretty cool looking (Lionheart, Snakebite and Skull especially) but the ghostlings are kinda goofy. I don’t like the way the holograms show up because it’s like a totally different character inside the torso. The ghostlings look too similar to Jawas and those zombie dwarfs from Phantasm anyway.

Thanks to The Virtual Toy Chest for the images!

Boglins

If you didn’t own a Boglin, you really lost in life.

Produced by Mattel in the late ’80s (and a short revival in 2000), the Boglins were rubber puppets that resembled all kinds of monstrous goblins. Some were aquatic in nature, but they all had a Gremlins/Critters/Ghoulies attitude going for them. Just a bunch of ugly dudes out to annoy and pester anyone they could.

One of the coolest features about them was the packaging. They were caged in crates and the bars on the front of box were shifted just so, appearing as if the Boglin had tried to bend the bars to make an escape.

For the few years the line was around, they sure did produced a bunch of spin-off lines. “Boglins” was the main line and featured the larget figures, but there was the Mini Boglins (probably the most notable spin-off) and other lines included: Small, Hairy, Acrobat, Soggy, Bash ‘em, Action and Talking Boglins! Honestly, that’s only naming a few.

Most importantly (as if Boglins weren’t cool enough to talk about in October anyway), there was Halloween Boglins! There were only two different molds — one resembled a pumpkin and anothe resembled a skull. The pumpkin version is easily the coolest and there’s such a sinister look to it. Reminds me of Sam from Trick ‘r Treat!

As was the case with many lines of toys in my childhood, I only owned one. Perhaps I never built up a strong collection of toys outside of G.I. Joe, TMNT, wrestling and super hero figures because I was always getting hooked on the next new toy. I can’t find any type of name database anywhere, but at least I found a picture:

Lazer Tag: Moving at the Speed of Light

Even a guy that may or may not be James Bond enjoys a good game of Lazer Tag.

Did any of you ever actually own one of these growing up? Do you know anyone who did? My answer to both questions is “I didn’t”. But, man oh man, I wanted one! Lazer Tag was cutting edge technology! Forget about playing good old fashioned “war”, Lazer Tags let you uprgade to “future war”!

Of course, along with the invention of Lazer Tag (and the similar Photon, both of which came out in ‘86), there were all kinds of laser gun arenas popping up. I’ve been to a couple of those in my time and they’re always fun, even if I’ve always found the “refs” or whatever to be a bit high strung and have a low tolerance level for kids. There’s a laser arena here in Lansing, based out of an old AMC movie theater. Maybe I should go there some day.

Outside of the arena (literally), the closest I ever got to Lazer Tag was having a tin Lazer Tag waste bin. Now isn’t that just an extremely cruel thing for parents to do to their kid? “Oh, here’s that thing you really want… See, there’s a picture of it on this TRASH CAN.”

On one side of the bin, there was a really cool photograph of the gun shooting a laser out, and on the other side there was a cartoon scene of a battle taking place. I was mesmerized by a trash can!

After a Saturday morning cartoon (see video below) and three Choose Your Own Adventure books, Lazer Tag is still going strong today and it is now manufactured by Hasbro.