G.I. Joe: Retaliation [Movie Review]

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
2013, Paramount Pictures

[WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!]

As a lifelong Joe fan, I was very excited to see the first live-action Joe movie, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, in 2009. After the initial buzz wore off during the movie, I realized it wasn’t the Joe movie I wanted to see. With a poor cast of characters (Heavy Duty, Ripcord), an even poorer choice of actors (Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans), a silly looking Cobra Commander and those stupid accelerator suits, that film was a mess.

I suppose I can get more in-depth with my disappointment for that film at another time but WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY is that G.I. Joe: Retaliation is a MAJOR improvement over ROC in about every way. There’s a stronger cast of actors and characters this time. The core Joe members in this movie are: Roadblock, Snake-Eyes, Lady Jaye, Flint, Jinx and General Joseph Colton. My only disappointment with the casting there is the guy playing Flint (no, I’m not going to bother to look up his name). I love that Flint is in the movie but the guy playing him is just another pretty boy who doesn’t really give off much of a presence in the movie. It’s the same way I feel about Channing Tatum as Duke.

Speaking of Duke (here’s the SPOILER, folks!), he’s dead about 15 minutes in. As much as I love Duke, if Tatum is going to be the guy playing him, I’m glad he was killed off. When Paramount pushed back the release date of this movie from June 2012 to March 2013 (!!!) the official word was they did it throw in 3D. While that’s perfectly valid, it’s been said they also wanted to add some more scenes with Channing Tatum due to his explosion in popularity and also to avoid getting crushed by The Avengers and The Dark Knight. After seeing the movie, I’m not so sure the Tatum theory really works. He’s a main character for that first 15 minutes but he’s eliminated fairly easily and without much dramatics. I wonder why they even bothered to bring the character back for that.

Other missing Joes after starring in the first movie are General Hawk, Ripcord, Scarlett, Breaker and Heavy Duty. These guys are never seen or mentioned in this movie and we’re to believe the entire Joe force (other than a handful) was destroyed by Cobra right after the Joe team just successfully completed a mission. I’ll assume they were in the background somewhere getting blown to pieces.

On the Cobra side, we have the awesome looking Cobra Commander (looking much more like he did in the cartoon), Zartan still posing as the President of the United States, Storm Shadow and Firefly. Destro only makes a cameo because (true to their relationship in the cartoon & comic books) Cobra Commander leaves him locked up when Storm Shadow comes to free the Commander. I really like Ray Stevenson as Firefly, even if he sounded really silly trying to do what I guess was supposed to be a southern accent. Firefly was incredibly underutilized in the cartoon and while they didn’t stick with the character’s obsession with being anonymous (he mostly walks around without his mask), I still think they did a great job with him in the movie. I think Ray would’ve made for a better Zartan and Arnold Vosloo a better Firefly but they still did well in their roles.

Of course, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson did great as Roadblock, Bruce Willis gave the movie some lighter moments with his portrayal of the original “G.I Joe” General Joe Colton and Adrianne Palicki was gorgeous as Lady Jaye. In fact, I think Palicki would’ve been better suited for Scarlett, much better for that role than Rachel Nichols was. As always, Snake-Eyes was cool and so was Storm Shadow. There’s a great ninja sequence in the mountains that every one seems to have liked.

This is really the movie they should’ve made the first time around. It’s a love letter to the fans of the cartoon instead of a slap in the face like the first movie was. It has a cast of classic Joe/Cobra characters and there’s Cobra H.I.S.S. tanks, Joe A.W.E. strikers, Cobra Water Moccasins, red ninjas, the Blind Master and the classic plot of the Joes being framed as traitors while Cobra Commander attempts to enact some insane plot to rule the world. Retaliation really is a live-action version of the cartoon and I think most Joe fans will be pleased. It’s big dumb fun. Just the way G.I. Joe should be.

Also, it sets up the series to continue with a third movie. Just as in the cartoon, the Commander escapes yet again! I’m looking forward to seeing Destro getting involved again. Either working uneasily with Cobra Commander or going out on his own. Perhaps we’ll see G.I. Joe vs. Cobra vs. M.A.R.S. Industries in the third movie.

My personal wishlist of characters getting introduced in the next film: Beachhead, Low-Light, Gung-Ho, Leatherneck, Wet-Suit, Sci-Fi, Mainframe, Shipwreck & Spirit for Joes and Major Bludd, Tomax & Xamot, the Dreadnoks and the B.A.T.s on the Cobra Side. Plus a return of the Baroness & Destro. I’d love to see the Dreadnoks get introduced and joining Cobra with the intent of getting revenge on Storm Shadow for Zartan’s death. Yes, Storm Shadow is an anti-hero by the movie’s end as they follow the plot-line of Zartan being the one who actually killed the Hard Master.

It’s already being predicted the movie will make about $40 million opening weekend, which is good. Reviews from fans have been good too. I hope we won’t have to wait as long for the third movie.

 

The Day I Watched Four Movies (Unknown, The Last Stand, The Best of RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 from Outer Space, Bullet to the Head)!

Granted, I’ve probably done this before on a lazy day off or on a day that I’ve called in “sick” to work, but I watched three of these films in a movie theater all in the same day and that’s a personal record. I don’t know if that makes me some type of cool movie geek or a lonely, pathetic loser. YOU BE THE JUDGE!

The day was Thursday, January 31, 2013 and here are the movies I watched…

Unknown
2011, Warner Bros. Pictures
Buy the Blu-ray at Amazon.com

I started my Thursday morning off by catching this action/thriller which continues Liam Neeson’s career reinvention from a guy mostly known for work in low-key dramatic features to a late-blooming action movie star. This was the picture Neeson made after the majorly successful Taken. For anyone not familiar with the movie who may be interested, I won’t spoil too much but there is a good twist to the movie towards the end. You may end up drawing comparisons to another action movie character but it’s a premise that works, original or not.

Liam Neeson is just so great in these tough guy roles. If you enjoyed him in Taken, you should like this movie as well. I’m not too fond of January Jones though. I know she’s supposed to be beautiful but she doesn’t seem all that special to me and her acting just isn’t very good. Her name is awesome though.

The Last Stand
2013, Lionsgate

Seeing as how I couldn’t get anyone to see this movie with me, I decided to check out an afternoon showing of this movie by myself. For the record, this is the third movie I’ve seen in the theaters solo. The first one was Slither and the second was The Dark Knight Rises.

To be honest, I wasn’t too sure about this movie. I mean… Just look at the poster. Were they really trying to sell this movie using Johnny Knoxville? I much preferred the original poster that I saw hanging up in the movie theater months before the film debut…

Now THAT is a movie poster that lets you know Arnold is back (he told you he would be) and that he means business! But to be fair, the first poster actually conveys the tone of the movie a lot better. This movie is not an action comedy but there are many humorous, over-the-top moments and those moments come off well. Knoxville actually does a good job as the comic relief but he doesn’t play much of a role until the third act and even then he’s just another supporting character, so it’s weird that he’s featured so heavily on the poster. I guess they were going for that Jackass demographic.

The main villain is a bit weak but The Last Stand is far better than I ever thought it could be. It’s a fun action movie (with tons of blood) that doesn’t take itself seriously. I enjoyed it and I think other Arnold fans will as well.

The Best of RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 from Outer Space
2013, RiffTrax/NCM Fathom Events
Buy the Blu-ray at Amazon.com

ONE NIGHT ONLY SHOWING.  Except for that one time they showed it live back in 2009. I caught this one with a co-worker and her husband. I’m a huge fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 so I would obviously be a fan of RiffTrax as well. Same guys, different name.

This was a re-airing of one of the first RiffTrax Live movies back from 2009. I was fine with this because up until Thursday night, I had only seen live RiffTrax airings of Birdemic and Manos: The Hands of Fate. Sidenote: for some reason, the RiffTrax guys really shine on old bad movies. Newer movies like Birdemic  just don’t seem as inspired.

I’m not going to really comment much on the movie itself because who cares? Just know that it’s a bad movie turned into a hilarious movie by the riffing of Kevin, Mike and Bill. I will say this though, it’s really sad that the great Bela Lugosi, horror icon and the greatest Dracula of all-time, was involved in this picture.

MST3K never did Plan 9 from Outer Space, opting to do more obscure films rather than what is probably the best known “worst movie ever made” (though I suppose the legends of Manos: The Hands of Fate and Troll 2 are becoming equal to Plan 9)! I definitely recommend anyone picking up the DVD/Blu-ray of the live show. And I’m happy to now say I’ve seen the “worst movie ever made”. To be fair, it’s hardly the worst ever. Terrible, yes. But the worst ever? I’ve seen much, much worse through my years of watching Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Bullet to the Head
2013, Warner Bros. Pictures

I’m a huge Stallone fan so when I found out this movie was going to have a 10PM showing right after RiffTrax, I knew I had to go. I’m really digging the idea of 10PM premieres instead of the standard midnight premieres, by the way.

I respect the fact that the new Stallone and Schwarzenegger movies aren’t trying to ignore the fact that these guys are in their 60s now. There’s a number of jokes in each movie about their age and even the movie posters get in on the action with taglines like “Retirement is for Sissies” and “Revenge Never Gets Old”. It’s easier to buy into these movies when it’s acknowledged how ridiculous the whole thing is. Along with The Expendables franchise, these movies are pretty much satirizing themselves but in a good way. It’s like they’re saying, “Yes, we know we’re old. Shut up and enjoy the ride.”

Bullet to the Head is based on a French graphic novel. Never read it, never heard of it and this isn’t some superhero story. Nope, it’s a buddy action/crime thriller that takes place in New Orleans. Sly plays a hitman out for revenge for the murder of his partner. Don’t worry, he’s like a hitman with a heart of gold (kinda). Of course, there were some humorous moments but the film was darker in tone than say The Last Stand. I mean that literally. Most of the movie takes place at night.

Again, I felt a bit letdown by the villains. Could it be that our action heroes are so iconic that anyone who is put up against them just doesn’t seem worthy?

I hate to say it because I prefer Stallone over Schwarzenegger but I liked The Last Stand better than Bullet to the Head. I liked the movie and it’s always great to see Stallone on the big screen but it’s nothing too special. I would still watch this over something like Eye See You, The Specialist or Get Carter though.

But, yes, I’m sure I’ll buy the Blu-ray anyway.

Masters of the Universe (The Live Action Motion Picture) DVD Review

Masters of the Universe
2009, Warner Home Video
Original Release: 1987, Cannon Films

Special Features
Feature-Length Commentary by Director Gary Goddard
Theatrical Trailer

Do you remember walking through the movie theater in 1987 and seeing this…

?

I do! YES! A live-action version of Masters of the Universe! But wait… That’s gotta be He-Man but why does he look like he belongs in a Mad Max movie? Why is he holding an assault rifle ?! Why is the gun more prominent than the Power Sword ?!

Yes, I remember seeing that poster and instantly feeling a mix of joy and doom. I was extremely happy that a live-action He-Man movie was coming but just by the teaser poster alone I already was not liking how they were going to be portraying the world of Eternia. Oh yeah… Eternia. Didn’t really feature as much in the movie as we He-Man fans would’ve wanted, did it?

That is probably my one biggest gripe about the movie — how can you have the very first Masters of the Universe movie and then not set the entire film on Eternia? Granted, the movie is a goofy cheesy ’80s movie no matter what but taking the majority of the film to Earth in the year of 1987  extremely dates the film and isn’t what people wanted to see. Maybe something like that could’ve been done for a sequel but for the initial MOTU film? Nah. Keep it on Eternia.

Given that Cannon Films was usually very budget conscious, my theory is that they built the bare minimum set pieces that they could for Eternia (basically Gwildor’s hut and Skeletor’s throne room) and then filmed on location in Los Angeles because it was cheaper to do that than having to build even more set pieces. So that’s why we ended up with the story of He-Man & Co. ending up on Earth. To be fair though, I think this movie was probably had one of Cannon’s biggest budgets. Wikipedia states $22 million but in the director commentary Gary Goddard states they had a $17 million budget at a time when most movies had $6-8 million budgets.

 As you can see from of the artwork, they were really going for a Star Wars vibe right down to getting Drew Struzan to do the artwork. Great artwork though and it does a great job of making the movie look amazing. Even Skeletor’s soldiers (something he didn’t have in the cartoon) look like Storm Troopers except their armor is black and their helmets appear to be that of Imperial Gunners.

Anyway, Eternia issues aside, it would’ve been nice to also see a bit more character depth. I guess the writers & producers just assumed anyone coming to see this movie already knew the backstory so we get thrown right into the middle of the action. That’s commendable on some levels because I know many fans of geek culture groan over “origin” movies but it still would have been really nice to see a live-action transformation of Prince Adam to He-Man. There is no mention of Prince Adam at all in this movie.

Even the Power Sword receives very little recognition in the film. He-Man seems to prefer using laser blasters. He holds it up one time towards the end of the film to yell “I HAVE THE POWER” but it’s too little too late and the moment is glossed over. The He-Man/Skeletor sword fight is pretty brief and lame compared to what Luke Skywalker & Darth Vader had done. In the movie’s defense, director Gary Goddard does that that due to time restrictions the final battle was not staged the way he wanted it and some portions of the throne room set went unused.

Another weird quirk is the absence of the typical MOTU villains. Sure, we have Skeletor, Evil-Lyn and Beastman but what about Tri-Klops, Merman or Trap-Jaw? The movie introduces some new villains: Blade (who almost seems like a stand-in for Tri-Klops), Saurod (a reptilian creature that reminds me of the Goombas from the Super Mario movie) and Karg (who reminds me of the late Ronnie James Dio). None of those three characters were ever on the TV show, which was canceled by this time anyway, but Blade & Saurod were given action figures.

On the Heroic Warriors side, I think they did pretty well: He-Man, Man-At-Arms, Teela and a captive Sorceress. They could’ve expanded upon that if there was a sequel and added Mekaneck, Stratos, Man-E-Faces, Ram Man, Buzz-Off and/or Orko. Speaking of Orko, even as a kid, I  always assumed Gwildor was meant to be his replacement in the movie. Upon listening to Goddard’s commentary, he confirms that by saying it would’ve been too financially & technically difficult to put Orko in the movie. So, they replaced a magician that always screws up and is played for humor with an inventor that always screws up and is played for humor.

Ultimately, the film was not a critical or financial success. Released in August 1987 (and I remember seeing it in Fort Walton Beach, Florida on opening weekend while visiting my grandparents), it made only $17 million total. Had it been released a year or two earlier (remember, the show had been canceled in 1985 and the toy line had been losing steam as well since it had no show to help promote it) and had it stayed more faithful to the fantasy-based cartoon/toy line rather than going in a sci-fi direction (that was inspired by Jack Kirby’s “Fourth World” comics from DC Comics) it probably would’ve done better.

Even though the movie kinda broke even or maybe even lost a few million for Cannon, a sequel was written and planned. Unfortunately, Cannon ran into financial troubles in 1989 and could no longer afford the MOTU license. The sequel’s script would later go on to be re-worked into Cyborg starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and when that movie was played on television it was sometimes retitled Masters of the Universe 2: Cyborg.

I think Masters of the Universe is a fun cheesy ’80s fantasy/adventure. It almost seems forgotten but I think it’s a real cult classic. Dolph Lundgren was a great voice (visually at least) for He-Man and Courtney Cox is cute as a button in her first movie role and plays her part well.

With plans for a new MOTU on the way, I’m sure a small spotlight will get thrown back on this movie in the next few years. I think the movie has been released on DVD twice. Once in 2001 through Warner Home Video but it was in a snap case. I made sure to order the 2009 edition because it features the standard DVD keep case which I prefer over the snap case that Warner Bros. well hell-bent on using for a number of years. Both editions have the same special features. My particular copy was made for distribution in U.S. & Canada so that’s why you see the film’s title in French on the cover.

I’m truly surprised they even bothered giving the movie a director’s commentary. You’d think something like would would’ve been made bare bones and then thrown into the $5 bin at Walmart. I usually never listen to commentaries but for this movie, I felt like trying it and enjoyed it.

Either DVD edition can be found for $6-8 and it’s well worth picking up for all He-Man fans. Sure, it’s not the MOTU we wanted to see but it’s a lot better than New Adventures of He-Man that’s for sure!

Buy the movie!

Chuck Norris & Lee Marvin are… The Delta Force

Movie poster

The Delta Force (1986, Cannon Films)

Okay, in reference to the title of this post, Norris and Marvin aren’t the only members of the team but it still sounds like a pretty cool tagline for the movie, right? As a fan of 1980s action movies, I’ve been aware of the Delta Force series (not to be confused with the Operation Delta Force series) for a very long time but it wasn’t until just yesterday I actually sat down to watch the first entry into the series thanks to Netflix.

Despite his status as a pop culture icon for people who have probably never even see one of his movies (I mean, seriously, if the guy is so popular why did so many of his movies bomb?), I’m going to go against the grain and say I’m not a huge fan of Chuck Norris. He’s waffled between B-movies and C-movies throughout his career. Some of them were enjoyable but I’ve yet to a Norris movie that I would deem “great”. That said, this is another decent entry into his filmography but The Delta Force is certainly not a “Chuck Norris movie”, it’s an action movie that just happens to star Chuck Norris. In other words, he isn’t forced to carry the movie and while he certainly gets the most face time of any single character (well, besides the main villain) the plot doesn’t really revolve around his character. This is a good thing because let’s face it, Chuck Norris never really got a hold of the whole “acting” thing. Even when he does have lines in this movie, they’re pretty horrendous. I laughed out loud at his one line when they stormed the plane during a training session. He’s just so wooden but I can’t blame him totally because it’s not like he wrote these lines (I don’t think).

Anyway, getting back to the whole “this isn’t a Chuck movie” thing, there’s a number of “name” actors peppered throughout the film. Of course, there’s Lee Marvin but there’s also Bo Svenson, American Ninja‘s Steve James, Shelley Winters, Robert Vaughan, George Kennedy, Lainie Kazan, Joey Bishop, Martin Balsam and playing the role as the lead terrorist Abdul — Robert Forster. I knew the guy playing Abdul looked familiar, I just couldn’t place him until I looked the movie up online.

The movie took great inspiration from the 1985 hijacking of TWA Flight 847 (almost to the point where it feels like exploitation) and much of the first part of the movie is focused on the two main terrorists and the passengers. So it’s kind of an odd movie in that the first half has somewhat of a sensationalized “TV movie of the week” feel to it and then the second half morphs into the typical Reagan-era fantasy action movie fare. I guess the second half of the movie is how we wanted the real hijacking to turn out.

For my tastes, at 2 hours and 9 minutes, the movie was a bit long. I’m a firm supporter of movies going 90 to 105 minutes tops. The movie drags at times but I did like that just when you think things are about to wrap up, there’s one more hurdle for the Delta Force to jump. Overall, I think this movie is slightly above average when compared to most of Cannon’s output. It seems a bit more broader in scope like they were really trying to make an A-list action film instead of the usual substandard releases they usually pumped out.

I recommend it for B-movie action junkies but this isn’t a movie I would ever watch again. That said, I already added Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection to my Netflix queue! I don’t really have much hope for it but since this is the last Delta Force movie to star Chuck (his son Mike has a role in the third and final movie), I’ll give it a shot.

DVD cover

The Top Five Jean-Claude Van Damme Movies

The Muscles from Brussels... whattaman!

Hey, let’s be honest for a second… JCVD isn’t all that bad. Sure, he’s made more than his fair share of clunkers, but on the 80s Action Movie Hero Scale, I place him right behind Sly & Arnie. I always thought Steven Seagal was overrated and Chuck Norris movies were just plain awful.

Van Damme never really had a big budget Hollywood action movie on the level of a TERMINATOR or RAMBO or ROCKY to really breakthrough with. UNIVERSAL SOLDIER is probably his most well-known mainstream movie (though TIMECOP is his highest grossing movie) but it didn’t cement his status as a major player. He kinda got a second shot to be a Hollywood force with STREET FIGHTER, but it was terrible and bombed. Darned if he didn’t keep putting out movie after movie, spin kick after spin kick and butt shot after butt shot all in the name of trying to join the Planet Hollywood club though.

Eventually, all of these failed movies led him into the land of direct-to-video: a place for has-beens and never-will-bes. So, Van Damme never really “went away”, his movies just got smaller and he’s actually acting in them these days. Check out WAKE OF DEATH and the very good IN HELL to see what Jean-Claude is capable of doing as an actor. The guy has gotten better with age, even if his movies haven’t (which are still standard direct-to-video action movies for the most part).

Let’s take a look at what I believe to be his five best movies.