Bad Halloween Treats and Candy

I wanna preface this post by saying that I know people mean well. I mean, how cool is it that you can just walk up to a house on Halloween and they’ll (usually) answer the door and give you free food, all while you’re dressed up like a fool? So kudos to any home that chooses to participate because it’s a really fun and big deal to kids… Unfortunately, great treats are not always handed out. Here’s what I despised getting as a child and I’m pretty sure, 20 years later, they’re still being handed out today.

Raisins – Ha, ha! You gave me DRIED FRUIT instead of CANDY, I guess the trick is on me tonight! YUCK. Only uptight people hand out those mini boxes of Sundmaid raisins on Halloween: “Oh, you don’t need any of that nasty candy! What you need is a serving of fruit.” The ol’ raisin scam may have worked on the first few kids who hit that house, but word would quickly spread in the neighborhood and kids would avoid that house like a goth chick avoids sunlight.

Candy Corn – Maybe I’m breaking some kind of Halloween code here, but I hate candy corn. This may come as a surprise since I bought Candy Corn Dots recently, but that was for the novelty of it. I never touch the real thing. I was always super disappointed to see this get dumped into my pillowcase (which was really a decapitated ghost head thanks to me drawing a ghost face on it with a Magic Marker). Sure, it’s pretty to look at, but not so much to eat. And don’t even get me started on candy corn’s cousin, those awful pumpkin mellowcremes.

Marshmallow junk – Marshmallows have never been my thing. They’re only essential for Rice Krispies treats, cocoa and cereal. I’ve never been one to pop a few jumbo marshmallows in my mouth, so I’ve never been a fan of the various chocolate marshmallow-based pumpkins, ghosts or what have you that always pop up around Halloween. Russell Stover is the worst perpetrator of marshmallow candy. I would include Peeps in this list, but I don’t remember Peeps having Halloween themes when I was a kid, so I luckily didn’t have them taking up precious space in my loot bag. I think they were strictly Easter chicks back then.

Good & Plenty – Black licorice is one of the disgusting things ever put on this planet (right behind Lady GaGa) and for some reason there always seemed to be at least one house that insisted on throwing a small box or two of this garbage into my bag. Black licorice is for old people and it tastes like pumpernickel. Not a good Halloween treat at all. You can give it a candy shell, coat it in chocolate… it’s still going to taste awful.

Bit-O-Honey – I’m okay with this candy now, but even in the ’80s this was an “old” candy to me. It seems older folks were tossing it out because it was something they enjoyed when they were younger. Keep your precious Bit-O-Honey, pops, just put those Nerds in my bucket!

Generic chocolate crisps/peanut butter cups – C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. The off brand substitutes for the home that didn’t want to buy Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or Nestle Crunch. Palmer seems to be the prevalent maker of such products. I guess the lure of buying a giant bag of 200 peanut cups for $5 is too great even when the buyer knows that the kids really want Reese’s. As for Nestle Crunch ripoffs, they are usually called “crisps”, “rice crisps” or the cutely spelled “krisps”, I remember most of the time they came shaped like a coin and were foil wrapped with maybe a skull or a witch’s face on it.

Carrots – Specifically, baby carrots. I remember the first time someone dropped a mini-bag of baby carrots into my goody bag– never before had such a wave of shock and dismay crashed over me. The Easter Bunny gets carrots and I’ve never dressed up like the Easter Bunny!

Halloween Pencils – Hey, I love a good pencil as much as anyone, but they don’t even come close to stacking up against candy. There were lots of cool Halloween pencils in my day, but I would get enough of those from my class Halloween party, I don’t need duplicates.

Bags of Popcorn – Popcorn balls are a Halloween institution, but bags of popcorn are not. Unless you’re going to let me inside and pop this right now, why are you giving it to me?

Apples – Apples are delicious, but candy even more so. Besides, people were wasting their time handing apples out… They KNEW us kids couldn’t eat’em because they “might have a razor in it or be poisoned”.