G.I. Joe Review (DiC Series) – Season 1, Episode 9

Our story starts out with three different Joe teams in Washington, D.C., lying in wait for Cobra to make their move for the U.S. Constitution. Why are they stealing the Constitution? It’s not really explained, but ransom, demoralization of our country, and just generally not being nice are all good reasons for them to do it. Pick one (only one). The Joe squads include Rampart, Bullhorn, Capt. Grid-Iron (Team 1), Pathfinder, Stretcher, Salvo, Heavy Duty (Team 2), and Ambush, Freefall, Rock & Roll (old school renaissance!), Scoop (Team 3).

The coordinator of this theft prevention is Captain Grid-Iron, who I admit I don’t know much about, but I do know he was made out to be one of the major Joes in the DIC show, and was pretty much a fill-in for Duke throughout the series, which really ticked me off because I love Duke (Don’t ask, don’t tell.). Regardless of rank, Duke has always been Joe #1, in my book.

Anyway, leading the remaining squads are Heavy Duty (somewhat in the rugged military vein of Gung-Ho & Roadblock, but with a cool backwards cap) and Scoop. SCOOP!?! Scoop, of all people, is leading a team to counter-attack Cobra?! This guy wrote the Joe’s monthly newsletter and took pictures at the annual G.I. Joe Fish Fry Football Game. He’s a fluff reporter. He ran their blog. He’s not fit for battle! Maybe that’s why the other two squads are positioned on top of buildings and Scoop got stuck in the sewer. I guess they played it off by telling him Croc Master may be sending some alligators to come eat the Constitution. Or something.

Sure enough, from out of the sky come Cobra’s laser troopers, the appropriately named Laser-Vipers. Heavy Duty is able to fire off a few rounds, helpfully sending a few Laser-Vipers crashing right onto the White House lawn! Good job, HD.

A second wave of Cobras appear, and this time it’s Cobra ninjas: the lethal Night Creepers
(you can tell they are lethal because they wear fuchsia-colored clothes). Hurling smoke bombs and flash bombs all while parachuting, the Night Creepers easily make haste through the front door of the building.

Capt. Grid-Iron makes a poor attempt to stop the Cobras from entering the building by throwing a “football grenade”, but all it does is prevent Scoop’s crew from closing in on Cobra. Oh, and I should stop here to mention that Cap. Grid-Iron really takes his gimmick too far by throwing out as many football terms as possible. For example: making mention of the fact that the Joes “go long”. Yeah, I bet they go hard and deep too.

Once the Cobras and (finally) the Joes are inside the National Archvies, the battle rages for all of 10 seconds, before Grid-Iron tells Scoop not to shot back at the enemy for fear or causing permanent damage to many national treasures. Deciding discretion is the better part of valor, Scoop’s squadron runs like a person who just ate at Taco Bell, leaving Cobra to snatch ‘n’ grab the Constitution.

After some good-natured bickering amongst the Laser-Vipers and the Night Creepers (it’s like Army vs. Navy), the Vipers split and leave the transportation of the Constitution up to the Creepers. One of the Night Creepers quite boldly stands atop of the National Archives building to boast, claiming if the Joes shoot at him they will destroy the “greatest symbol of your country’s freedom”. Wait, I thought that was porn?

Heavy Duty, ever the thinker, decides that all he has to do is blow up the building and the Creeper will drop the Constitution. How that’s a safer plan for saving the Constitution than say… shooting the guy in the arm or head, I don’t know. Grid-Iron pulls ranks and tells him that’s not a good idea. So the Night Creepers take off, with the Constitution in hand, leaving a few straggler Laser-Vipers to run and grab onto the plane as it takes off.

Jose Riviera! An obvious Geraldo knock-off is there to happily take pictures of the Joes in all their failing glory. Meanwhile, in the sky above, a man dressed in snake-like tech gear shoots down Cobra’s plane and takes back the Constitution. The Joes and Riviera (quickly) arrive at the crash site and ask who this mysterious man is. His name is Serpent Man (hmmm…), and he says he is named after the ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag. He’s wearing fuchsia! Don’t trust him! Grid-Iron makes mention that his name doesn’t exactly say “American hero”, but congratulates him on saving the day anyway.

Serpent Man becomes a media darling. He gets his own reality show, his own line of action figures, and even dates Paris Hilton. He also gets a photo-op with President Mason. President Mason is a woman, no less. Boy, those Joe cartoons sure did get silly at times. Jose “The Mustache” Riviera is there at the photo-op and is quick to point out the Joes are irrelevant now that the world has Serpent Man. Serpent Man sticks up for G.I. Joe with a backhanded compliment and then suggests the Joes get honored for all their past deeds, to which Mason agrees.

Surprisingly, at this ceremony the only Joes in attendance are the ones Hasbro was trying to push as new toys. No Duke, Flint, Sgt. Slaughter, Beach Head. Not even Doc or Low-Light! As the president begins her speech, she is attacked by a snake-like microphone, a cloud of smoke appears, and she is scuttled off by some of Cobra’s Undertow goons into the sewer! Capt. Grid-Iron is 2 steps behind me as he points this fact out two seconds after I finished typing it. Smug Jose Riviera is there to capture it all on film and point out the Joes’ failure once again. What’s with this guy? Vince McMahon was right about the media.

Heavy Duty once again proves his (lack of) intelligence by throwing a grenade down the sewer that the president was just taken into. This guy has issues because I don’t think he really wants to save ANYTHING. He just wants to cause as much destruction as possible while posing as a hero. It’s Joes like him that makes me think that maybe Jose Riviera is right. AH! But wait! What a trickster that Heavy Duty is! After sending Cobra running, the grenade’s shell opens up to show a “BANG!” flag. Heavy Duty replies: “Nothing like a fake grenade to clear out a crowd.” So apparently he didn’t want to kill anyone, he just wanted to play a prank on those Cobra guys and give them even more reason to quicken their escape.

The Joes split up make chase through the sewers after Cobra. This thrilling scene climaxes with the Joe squads confusing one another for Cobra, leading to a Dark Tunnel Sewer Fight (Coming soon to a WWE PPV)! Joe vs. Joe! Friend against friend! Just like the Civil War. The Joes come to their senses just in time to see Serpent Man & Jose Riviera whiz by on a big flying phallic symbol, where Riviera is reporting on Serpy’s pursuit of Cobra. It’s REALITY TEE-VEE!

Cut to Cobra’s super secret sewer base (complete with motor boats), where a batch of Night Creepers are playing POKER with president! What nice kidnappers to offer a good game of Texas Hold’Em with their hostage. Seriously, President Mason looks as cool as a cucumber and right at home playing poker in a sewer with a batch of terrorists. I won’t if it’s strip poker? Serpent Man shows up before that question can be answered, where Cobra immediately opens fire on him while he lectures them about good, evil, crime, and not wearing fuchsia after Labor Day. Serpent Man fires one mighty blast from his wrist, um… blaster, and sends Cobra swimming. Serpent Man saved the day… AGAIN. Serpent Man: 2, G.I. Joe: 0.

Capt. Grid-Iron proclaims this to be G.I. Joe’s darkest day, while a press conference with President Mason reveals that she is cutting G.I. Joe out of the budget (she’s obviously smitten with Serpent Man!). All these years the Joes saved the country and the world, and this is how America treats them?! They fail two missions and that’s it? To make things even worse, Mason appoints Serpent Man to the positions of attorney general and secretary of defense. Makes sense, I mean he DID save the Constitution and the President. Who cares if he’s a masked vigilante that we know nothing about?

No sooner is this announcement made when a construction crew marches into Joe HQ and immediately begins renovating the place to turn it into a… wait for it… “designer tennis shoe store”. Yep. Deactivated military bases get converted into Reebok outlets all the time.

FINALLY, the Joes begin to understand something isn’t on the up and up with Serpent Man, and they begin searching for clues. And the best place to search for clues in a time like this? The sewer. As luck would have it, the Joes find the president’s watch in the sewer, but WAIT! The President was wearing the watch after she was rescued! Just what the heck is going on here ?! Just as Scoop, Heavy Duty, and Grid-Iron realize that maybe Serpent Man isn’t legit, his big, massive serpent glider pulls out of a wet, dark tunnel and heads straight for the Joes while breathing fire.

The Joes escape by climbing out of the closest sewer hole, ending up at a Pentagon top security military area (!!!). Right. Jose Riviera shockingly shows up in a helicopter, with cameraman in tow, lambasting the Joes for being where they don’t belong. What about him?! How often is he allowed to hover over top secret military areas? Riviera uses his press credentials to demand the Joes surrender at once. The Joes decide to flee and return to the sewer. Man, these guys suck. At every bit of adversity, the Joes either fail or run from it. And do you know why? Because they don’t have DUKE! Duke would whip’em into shape. Thanks to all of this being caught on film, the Joes are now considered criminals and traitors to our country.

Later, just hours away from Serpent Man being sworn in, the (fake) President Mason is on the phone trying to pawn off all White House possessions like a crack whore looking for her next fix. Spying through the glass window in the ceiling, the Joes jump through window and deliver a classic action movie line: “Sorry, didn’t mean to *crash* the party!” Actually, they didn’t say that, but they should have. Scoop is the first to suffer this presidential poser’s wrath as she easily picks him up and throws him through a window onto a bed of roses, which reminds of the classic Bon Jovi ballad.

Riviera, of course, is there to capture this on film and is reporting live right outside the window. Geez, this guy has carte blanche. Grid-Iron is able to put cuffs on Mason, and tears off her mask revealing her to be the Dreadnok Zaranna (maybe SHE was the one playing poker)! At this time, Serpent Man crashes through the wall and flies off with Zaranna, but Grid-Iron is able to place a tracer on Zaranna’s back.

Cobra is traced back to an underground lair underneath the Washington Memorial, where Zaranna immediately flees upon the Joes’ arrival. Serpent Man, is not as lucky as the Joes hold him down, pulling off his helmet revealing it to be Cobra Commander wearing his “not as cool as the fish bowl” sci-fi helmet. His suit is rigged to electrocute the Joes as they try to grab him again, and he is able to fly away. The President thanks the Joes and immediately reinstates them.

The end. Seriously, they wrapped it up pretty quick.